We have been warned for decades about the risks of playing God (or subverting evolution) through genetics. Take a gene from one thing. Splice with another. And, voilà! You’ve either got a cure for cancer or a cow that tastes like tofu.
Our Congress, bless their teensy-tiny little hearts, have always known what was in our best interests – particularly when it came to genetics. Now they are really on to something. They have let the mad social scientists over on K Street do a little economic gene splicing. While the actual process must be way too complicated for wee voters/taxpayers to understand, they have taken the nucleus from the capitalism genome (patent pending) and isolated a faulty hereditary gene which causes the natural death of industries who have outlived their usefulness and replaced the faulty helix with a gene from a leech found on one of Stalin’s hemorrhoids.
“The trick really wasn’t finding the leech,” a spokesperson attracted to the camera lights like a bug on a Southern night said, “we had long know that would be a big part of the solution. No, the trick was splicing the genes in total darkness. Even the smallest amount of light would have ruined the result.” This new, mutant form of capitalism, called,“Antisocialism” (scientific name: thelmaandlouisism), is believed by members of both parties to be the answer to our heath insurance crisis and will require every one to purchase health insurance from private companies.
This really solves the long, thought-to-be-impossible-to-overcome-problem of how to appear to have universal heath care coverage while still preserving what was most important to Congress – the political contributions provided by the health insurance industry that would no longer have any valid reason to exist.
Congressional leaders, basking in the glow of bi-partisanship, are now planning to use Antisocialism to solve the economic crisis and are planning to introduce legislation that would require all Americans to buy cars, stocks and consumer products from companies who contribute to their campaigns.
Suggested reading: Politco